Nearly one year after my departure from St Andrews last June, I have now returned. Scotland has greeted me with its typical mix of rain and sun, coupled with a healthy dose of wind. I expected nothing less.
I'm here for graduation, of course. Tomorrow (Tuesday, June 21st at 10:30am) I will cross a stage in a blue gown, looking rather smurf-like, and officially transition to being Dr. Haley Goranson. It will be a good day.
Returning to St Andrews after being away for a year has been an interesting experience. Since leaving, I have moved to a new city and state, started a new job, attended a new church, built a new community, and, in many ways, started the rest of my life. So much has happened this past year that St Andrews, and my former life here, now feels rather distant.
In some ways, I'm quite glad of it. As glad as I am that I started this PhD journey 4.5 years ago now, I am also grateful that it is finished. It was, by far, the most difficult thing that I've done in my life. I certainly have not had a particularly difficult life, but it's also not like I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs on the backroads of Mazeppa for the last fifteen years, either. From St. Bonifacius to Lithuania to Kyrgyzstan to Massachusetts to Yellowstone to Cooke City to Scotland and now to Spokane, with travels to 20+ other states and 20+ other countries thrown into the mix, I feel like I've made the most of my adult life thus far and have challenged myself sufficiently.
Of all of the various experiences and challenges, though, the PhD and life in general as a single, female, PhD student in Divinity in St Andrews, Scotland was the most difficult of those experiences. The research and writing itself was not particularly difficult, though certainly time consuming (and especially so when coupled with a part-time job of nearly 20-hours per week). Rather, it was the emotional and mental aspects of the experience which were what ultimately defined my time as a student here. It was lonely, and sometimes excruciatingly so. It was often discouraging and anxiety producing. It was fatiguing to the point of exhaustion. It made me question my competence, my skills, my person, and my vocational callings. There was a daily anxiety about the unknown future: will I get a job? will I be able to pay back loans? will I even go into academia? would I even be a good teacher? So many unknowns about the future, mixed with self-doubt and fatigue, made for a constant inward battle. I fought hard to remain positive, joyful, and confident.
God's grace was sufficient, and he was good as ever to provide joys and happy memories in the midst of the struggles. He provided dear friends, a wonderful place to live, a fulfilling part-time job, opportunities to know the Scottish people, culture, and land, and opportunities to travel while here. I'm hopeful that some day, as I transition further away from this time in life, it will be those happy memories which dominate the landscape of my perspective on my time here. Already, having finished the task and having a fantastic year of teaching under my belt, St Andrews is becoming what it was when I first arrived: a place of beauty, history, charm, and happy memories. Crossing the stage tomorrow will perhaps be the happiest memory of all.
There is a link to watch the graduation ceremony live from your living room, but unfortunately the timing of the event isn't stellar. My ceremony is at 10:30am on the 21st, which means it is 4:30am central time. In the unlikely event that you can't sleep that night, here is the link: https://www.st-andrews.ac.uk/graduation/watch-live/.
Love to you all from St Andrews.
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