of welcome endings and fresh beginnings

My second year of PhD studies is officially underway.  In fact, it has been underway now for nearly a month.  And so far, this  second year is looking a whole lot different than the first.  Last year at this time I was exhausted, emotional, lonely, feeling like a fish out of the water, and more home/Montana sick than I had been in a long time.  And all of it was ten times worse than I ever let on. 

After three weeks of studies in this new year, I am just plain exhausted.  I am still lacking some necessary confidence, still feeling a bit like a Rainbow flopping on the bank of the Yellowstone, still missing home/Montana/MRCP, and still a bit emotional; but for the most part, since getting back from Paris one month ago, I haven’t stopped running—a sport that I’m not too keen on.   

I am so thankful that last year is over and that this new year has begun.  Last year was probably the second most difficult year of my life—second to my long and lonely year in Kyrgyzstan.  This should tell you nothing other than I have led an incredibly blessed and fortunate life to-date.  I’m the first one to recognize it and I recognize it well.  Nevertheless, last year was a very long and lonely year.  And it wasn’t for any one reason either—it just was. 

By far the most difficult thing last year was transitioning from the role of pastor to student.  Needless to say, my pastoral experience was not typical; but I think because it was atypical it made it all the more difficult to separate myself from it.  I thoroughly enjoy being in leadership positions, especially when those experiencing my leadership are benefited by it.  In Montana I had something to offer people, whether it came through Sunday mornings, Bible studies, or personal conversations.  There was a sense of being needed, and that makes the soul feel good.  Not many things give me the natural high that comes with seeing people grow in their faith and knowledge and dedication to Christ.  I’m a good leader and it was difficult to go from a place where my good leadership was critical for success to a place where the roles are quite reversed.  As a student, I am no longer needed and I have nothing to say, which is good, since it is now my job to listen. 

Along with leaving the pastorate, I had to transition from one incredible community to another.  In Montana I knew the birth year and location of half of the town residents.  I saw the same 50 faces day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day…  after day after day… after day after day…  There was a genuine community where secrets were impossible, gossip was irresistible, conflicts were inevitable, and friendships were incredible.  Someone to while away the hours with was never further than a mile away, and it usually involved either a mug and a wood stove or fun out in the snow and the sun.  And then I said ‘goodbye’ and had to start all over again upon my arrival here.  Developing friendships takes loads of work, and unfortunately, there is little time here to devote to such necessities.  What’s more, not only did I leave a fabulous community, but I was thrown back into a community of people without gray hair my age for the first time in a while, which, in and of itself was quite the adjustment!     

Then there was the return to academia and the need to jump-start my brain.  I remember telling someone here that I could talk quite precisely about the difference between elk, moose and deer scat, but describing the implications of the subjective genitive required a part of my brain that no longer functioned.  It was a slow recovery process.

And not only was it jump-starting my brain upon returning to academia, but it was also having to learn to study in a whole new way.  No longer was I in a classroom with thirty other students taking notes while a professor lectured from the front.   Now it was me doing the research, me sitting with me, myself, and I at my desk all day, reading and reading and reading and reading.  There was so much that I didn’t know (and still don’t), and I had to play catch-up in a whole new way. 

I had gone for more than a year since seeing many of my closest friends.

I didn’t have a church community.

I had a less-than-ideal housing situation (no pre-9am showers with hot water, stolen food, molding dishes in the sink, unwanted noises from the bed in the room below  at 2 am, etc.).

And I was back as a single woman in a married man’s world.  I suppose that was the case for pastoring, but again, nothing was normal about the pastorate in Cooke City.  The majority of my colleagues are men who are married to wonderful women, all of whom I have grown to love dearly.  Nevertheless, the feeling of ‘never quite fitting in’ is constant here, especially at social events when the women often end up in one room talking about ‘women and wifely’ subjects, and the men are in another room talking about Targum Jonathan or the Septuagint vs. the Masoretic Text or Paul and Apocalyptic themes, or whatever… and I never know where I belong.   So there was that feeling to get used to.

And of course, I had to figure out what my own dissertation was going to be on, to get used to working with my supervisor, to relearn my languages (that I may or may not have let slip while I was out of school), to adjust to the town, the accent, the culture, and everything else. 

All that said, it was a very long year, and I’m so glad that it’s over.  Thank you to all of you who wrote letters, emails, sent packages, and who supported me in other ways.  I am so very grateful for you. 

I’m very glad for the start of this new year.  For some reason there has been a lot of unforeseen heartache in my friends’ lives over the last month, both here and in the States, but all in all, it’s been a good month of running.  I’m tutoring in two different capacities this semester, one of which is for a New Testament History and Theology class here at St Mary’s, and the other is one-on-one tutoring with university students on basic study skills (time management, essay writing, exam preparation, etc.).  And, of course, my new living situation has given me what feels like a new lease on life.  I have a strong community with wonderful friends, some idea of what it is that I’m researching (though this is always a work in progress), a wonderful church that I love being a part of, and faithful friends and supporters back in the States telling me that I am exactly where I should be.

I have much to be thankful for at the start of this new academic year, and I look forward to all that I will learn and experience in the coming months.   

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.

                                      His love endures forever.